The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.”
- Woodrow T. Wilson (1856-1924)
True Story: During my first year as a coach, I had a client who would periodically fall silent during the session. This was a Very Bad Thing, I told myself. Clearly, I must have just committed a big NO-NO. My words obviously had no value, and by continuing to work with her, I was simply reinforcing that I was a fraud. How could I possibly salvage the situation? What self-respecting coach would continue to work with a client who was so obviously getting nothing out of the relationship? My future with this client looked bleak. I began to wonder if things could possibly get any worse.
Then it happened with another client. And that was the beginning of my grand downward spiral.
My new mindset had me convinced I no longer deserved to feel any sort of confidence. It didn’t seem to matter that I had outstanding training, abundant experience - certification even. My clients’ silence had proven beyond any doubt that I was not who I thought I was. Clearly, I had failed in my mission to become an effective and inspiring coach.
Fortunately, my clients stuck with me. At the time, I simply couldn’t imagine why they weren't quitting – after all, hadn’t I proven week after week that I had little to offer? My insights and questions were still being met with silence - not consistently, mind you, but just frequently enough to keep me from questioning MY STORY.
It didn't take long before I found myself mired in self-consciousness - a coach’s nemesis! OK; that's not totally true. Deep down, I knew there was an opportunity in this moment of despair, but the distraction made me feel completely stuck.
Since I was fully invested in MY STORY, there seemed to be only one solution that would leave me with any dignity: I had to call it a day. I had tried my best, and my best wasn’t good enough - it was time to bow out of coaching. This was CLEAR.
As luck would have it, during the week I was plotting my graceful exit from the coaching profession, I was on a call with YET ANOTHER CLIENT who periodically fell silent throughout the session. This time, though, things went a bit differently, and without a word from me. I think the client sensed a shift in me: in the middle of one of her silences she said (out of the blue), “By the way, just so you know, when I get kinda quiet, it’s so I can write down what you said. That’s what I’m paying for, so I want to make sure I remember it!”
I don’t know what came next. And while I do remember feeling a flood of relief, it was over as quickly as it had begun. Not a moment later, in burst the chorus of my Inner Critic: “Hmm. Well, that’s just her. That explains her silence. But what about the others? Nice try, chica.”
Down the spiral I began once again. But this time, I looked inward first, and I got just quiet enough to hear a tiny voice whisper, “Help yourself this time.”
Nice, huh? It might sound like a rude question, I suppose, but you have to trust me - the delivery was anything but nasty. I really searched for meaning on this one. How could I “help myself” and hold the issue differently this time?
From the outside, it might seem obvious what needed to happen, but from where I sat, it took a while to sense. And then it came all at once: Name It! [Nothing like practicing what you preach.] All I had to do was wait for each of my clients to fall silent, and ask them about it. Actually find out if my story had any truth to it.
As a side note, I also realized it would be really easy to "stack the deck." Maybe, for example, I would avoid asking, “Why do you clam up after I say things that are really pertinent to your growth? Is what I’m saying that useless?” in favor of something like,“What’s happening over there? Just wondering what’s in the silence.”
So I did. And guess what? The first client said, “You told me to keep a coaching notebook, so I figured that’s where the stuff you say belongs. So I try and take it down.” Then, when I asked the next one, I got, “I can’t always keep up with all the great ideas. But if I write them down, even if it slows us down, I’ll be able to find them later when I need ‘em!”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
“Helping myself” involved my getting curious, without agenda and without giving away my (instinctive) judgment. I asked my clients directly and got a similar answer across the board. This wasn’t just a lesson about my Inner Critic, but a huge, unexpected victory for me!
Confidence renewed, you may be wondering what happened next…
Well, I’m happy to say that I’ve won that particular battle, but the war does continue. Some of these foes are not yet vanquished. Yet.
But I’m working on them. Shining a light on them with my coach. Checking them out. Asking for guidance with them. And when I’m really listening, I hear the message meant uniquely for me.
The interesting thing about the “Inner Critic” (or in author Richard Carson’s terms, the “Gremlin ”) is that, while it never loses an argument, it does respond to evidence. It scurries away from the light – and hides from “closer inspection.” Go ahead and expose this voice for what it is: condescending, limiting, overly critical, and not coincidentally, the author of YOUR STORY.
One last thing: never forget where the Gremlin came from – it started out as a protective voice. So listen for ‘the nugget’ of wisdom and be on your way! With a little work, you can learn to hear your Gremlin’s “protective message.” For me, underneath “You’re a fraud” was “Verify your story, so you can stand confident in your competence.”
They say there’s 2% truth in every fear. And since Gremlin just gives voice to fear (even if in an "unskilled" way), seek out the “jewel” and cover your assets, as it were!
So to summarize, several important insights from this journey bear repeating:
- Question every story. Verify what’s true and what’s not.
- Discover the protective message of your Inner Critic.
- Name it – don’t make assumptions about what motivates people; ask instead.
- Be aware that the mindset you choose drives your decisions, and that these decisions have consequences.
- Ask for help in whatever way suits you best – be it through prayer, meditation, coaching, journaling, or something else. Interpreting the message you’re hearing and how it applies to you will take some effort at first. Trust, though, that underneath, there’s another ‘nugget’ waiting to be discovered!
©2004 - 2007, Ariadne Moisiades, CPCC, ACC.