Tell The Truth

1. Realize that there is no absolute truth about the circumstances - the problem is different positions of thinking and feeling - Your "truth" isn't their "truth" and doesn't have to be in order to resolve the problem.

2. See the situation from their position - understanding it doesn't necessarily mean you have to agree with it.

3. Use "I" statements instead of the generic "you" - Don't blame - that will prevent the other person from feeling attacked and attacking you in return.

4. Be aware of their feelings - don't react to emotional outbursts - Don't defend yourself. Take a deep breath and listen, then reflect back to them what you heard. IMPORTANT - keep reflecting back the message and ask them if that is what they meant. Be sure you understand the communication.

5. Speak to be understood. This is not an argument or debate unless you make it so.

6. Be willing to apologize. Apology does not mean admitting you were wrong or that you intended to hurt. Apology allows the other person to save face and it diffuses the emotions. Acknowledgement that there is a problem also diffuses emotion.

7. Attack the problem - Support the person. This sets up "cognitive dissonance" which disassociates the person from the problem.

Ask For What You Want

1. Decide ahead of time what you want. Know your best option and state it as an "I want" rather than an "I don't want" - be specific - be able to describe what it would look like to have what you want.

2. Be flexible - give yourself options.

3. Look for mutual gains and win/win solutions.

4. Focus on the future and give up the past
- AVOID "make wrongs" (If you hadn't done this stupid whatever, we wouldn't have this problem....)
- AVOID "get evens" (sometimes we decide what we want based on a way to punish the other person)

5. Tell the problem before the solution - then the other person will listen instead of developing their objections or counterattack.

6. Acknowledge their interests and needs when stating your solution/wants.

7. Decide on your bottom line and the least desirable option that is still acceptable to you - know your worst option.

8. Request, don't demand.

Be Willing To Negotiate

1. Recognize that a successful relationship is more important than winning the battle or getting your way.

2. Separate people from the problem - work together for a solution.

3. Focus first on the desired result, rather than how to achieve it - figure out the "how" after you agree on the result.

4. Explore options without judgment - be creative - be committed to mutual gain and win/win.

5. Be open to reason and closed to threats.

6. Determine objective criteria for making decisions
- "I'll cut the cake, you choose your piece first"
- agree on standards that are mutually acceptable
- use a facilitator or objective third party if necessary

7. Invite criticism and advice, and then LISTEN to it - don't defend.

8. Assume good will on their part.

9. Questions generate answers – statements generate resistance.

10. Be willing to give them what they want - that gives them room to feel that they can win, and makes them less defensive.