When a friend is telling you a story about something, do you find yourself thinking about your own experiences that closely relate? Does the following excerpt of a conversation sound typical to you:

Jane: Whew. I had a tough day. This project is killing me.

Mark: Ugh. I know what you mean. I was trying to reach Jane for some info I needed and she told me she’d get it to me Wednesday!

Jane: Well this project just isn’t going to get done on time if the research doesn’t come through from the vendor by tomorrow.

Mark: That is awful. Last year when one of my projects was late, I got all the blame. You should go to your boss now to explain things – that is what I’m going to do next time it happens to me.

Notice how each person is tuned in to their own experience in the moment? This is called Level I listening – when a person looks at everything from their own point of view. Neither person cares about the other’s experience; they only care about how the experience circles back to their own life.

With Level II listening, a person is very intently listening and absorbing the details of what is being said, and tries to find out more. Let’s look at the above conversation replayed…

Jane: Whew. I had a tough day. This project is killing me.

Mark: Ugh. What is going on? You look exhausted.

Jane: Well this project just isn’t going to get done on time if the research doesn’t come through from the vendor by tomorrow.

Mark: Oh no, that could be really bad for you! How can you work around it?

In the above conversation, Mark is asking for more details and inviting Jane to expand on her story. Mark is very tuned in to Jane – not just the words that are being said but also things like body language, hand gestures, stress-level, and facial expressions. Mark is taking it all in.

So that sounds pretty good, right? If you can start listening at Level II, you are more likely to seen as an empathetic listener, someone who cares, a person that has concern for others and their experiences, right? Yes, absolutely. Could you do better? Yes.

What if you took Level II even deeper? What if you could also use your instincts and other senses to understand what your friend is going through? Let’s look at that same conversation using Level III listening:

Jane: Whew. I had a tough day. This project is killing me.

Mark: Ugh. You seem exasperated, this just isn’t like you. What seems to be the biggest hurdle?

Jane: You are right. I’m not sure what to do. This project isn’t going to get done on time if the research doesn’t come through from the vendor by tomorrow.

Mark: That seems like a tough position – no research, no project! What do you think you want to do?

In Level III, Mark was able to sense Jane’s frustration and verbalize observations beyond the body language – he demonstrates his empathy for her by identifying that this “just isn’t like” her. The way he is listening and communicating back to Jane tells her that she is truly being heard and that she is talking with someone that is supportive.

So, what is the bigger picture here? Level I listening isn’t usually helpful to anyone in a conversation. Neither party gets to flush out ideas, nor do they get at the heart of the matter. Listening at Level II and III is much more productive and supportive. People want to feel they are getting the attention they need at the moment, so by giving that attention to them, we are supporting them and helping them work through the topic at hand. Level III listening is the toughest of all. It requires us to pay attention to the “vibe” in the room, not just the words and behavior in front us. Level III listening lets us see how a situation is affecting a person at their core. We are using intuition to take in wasn’t directly observable.

If you want to learn more about using Level II and III listening in your life and workplace, contact me now. I can help you build your listening skills so that your team feels supported and your friends value your insights!